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Fitting Room Etiquette

A shocking tale of what takes place in retail dressing rooms
Written by Joseph C

Fitting rooms, or as I call them, The AA Room (Addicts Anonymous Room, I will explain later) in clothing stores are not a requirement but are favorable to have so the customer can try things on before buying so as to cut the cost and time of this same customer returning the item(s) later on. This of course is nonsense because the customer will return no matter if they tried it on or not. In this category, we will stick primarily to the fitting room and what most normal intelligent human beings regard as proper procedure versus the other vile animals that go through these said places and how each treats such.

Let's start with the basics: What are fitting rooms for? They are to try on clothes. Easy right? So then why are their idiots out there who over-complicate this procedure or just plain ignores social protocol altogether and do what the fuck they want in them. I can not for the life of me understand why people trash the fitting rooms by leaving articles of clothing, food and trash in all forms all over the dressing room. Usually there is an attendant, or at the very least a designated area for where to put unwanted clothing at.

If, none of the above then don't be an ignorant asshole and assume someone will come by and clean up after you. You grabbed the merchandise, you can very well put the fucking merchandise back. Contrary to popular belief (popular belief as in only those that think they are to be served by others) sales associates do not get paid to clean up after grown adults. And you best believe that if you do this, you will get the shittiest customer service experience ever.

People who leave items of clothing or products all over the fitting room/store are no better then children. It is not a rule to put your clothing back, it is a gesture that is offered. By all means, I do not expect for people to put their own clothes back, heaven fucking forbid. But it is a service that stores give access to for their customers in which sales associates will put the garments back for you. I had a customer ask me, "Do you want me to return these items back? "I replied?" If you want to, that would be very helpful. Thank you." She was about to walk out when she turned around and said, "Wait, that's your job and she flung the clothes over the quarter-partition wall that served as a cubby area for the fitting room attendant, and walked out.

Was this completely necessary? Absolutely not! Or the time I saw a woman go in a fitting room with over forty articles of clothing. Unfortunately we do not have a limit as to what you can bring in so before I could stop her she slammed herself in the fitting room. I knocked on her door and offered that whatever she did not want to bring back out to leave at the attendant station for me to put back for her.

Reason why we ask you to bring the clothes back out is A: if we are not there, someone else can use a clean fitting room just like you did; B: we can keep track of thieves and C: because if we don't remind you, you will ultimately think you can do whatever you want in the fitting room. How did I know there were over forty items? Because while I was away getting a different size for a customer, she left by the time I came back and I had the fun time of playing forty item pick-up in the disaster zone known as the fitting room she was using. Another fun exciting time was when we were about to close in ten minutes and this young woman and her male companion came into the store and started shopping as if we just opened and had all day.

I approached them and told them that the store would be closing in ten minutes. They were both mad and she got major attitude when she said she wanted to try a few things on. I could have been a douche and told her the fitting rooms were closed, but I said she had five minutes. Ten minutes later, I saw them leave the store laughing without purchasing anything. I went in the fitting room and saw they both left a pile of clothes in the fitting room and the slushy she was drinking was spilt all over the floor, the walls and the clothes.

To this day, I vow that if I ever saw either one of them again I would definitely approach them and maybe sucker punch her in the face. The horror stories I can tell you about what I have found and/or witnessed in fitting rooms over the years working in retail - some are funny, some are not.

I have walked in the fitting room after someone has left a pile of clothes on the floor along with a pile of shit in the jeans. I have seen clothing where people have had their periods in them, pissed in them, threw up in them, came in them, the list goes on. I have walked into fitting rooms that have been vandalized with graffiti and make-up or scuff marks from their kids' shoes on the freshly painted walls. People have had sex in the fitting room (sex addicts...a few tricks here and there), people have gotten high in the fitting room (drug addicts), people have had entire meals in the fitting room (food addicts) and then spill their drinks all over the clothes and floor or eat whatever and then have sauce/grease stains on the clothes. Hence why I dub the room, "Addicts Anonymous", because it is a buffet of people with mental and personality disorders.

Now, aside from the extremes mentioned above which fall under the 'vile animals' category. There are other categories such as the obsessive need to try on every-single-fucking-item-of-clothing-in-the-store-and-then-walk-out-with-nothing-at-all.

Don't do that, don't act like you never tried on a fucking t-shirt before. Take in a few things and see how they fit, that will give you a feel of how the brand fits you. Do not ask us to get you a size and then scream at us because you are squeezing your size 14 ass into an 8. If you walk in a fitting room with a medium, large and extra large in 10 different items then you should just know that the associate will alert the manger of you possibly being a Nasty-Ass Thief.

When in reality, you are either a dumb whore that doesn't know your asshole from your pie hole or you love the fact you are inconveniencing the people who work there to clean up after you. Bitch, really?!

Now I am a firm believer that there is a huge difference between men and women in terms of shopping. Men are generally not pigs in the store, there are exceptions to this rule of course and the same men who are not pigs make up for it by being complete douche bags to the sales associates.

But for the most part, men use the fitting room for what it's there for and 7 times out of 10, they put their own stuff back. Men, I am not Jack from 'Will and Grace', when I fit you in a pair of trousers or touch you to let you know where the garment does not fit you properly, I am not coming onto you or allotting some cheap trick to catch-a-feel.

Even when I was single working in town, the customers that gave me their phone numbers can tell you that I did not play the first move. I am completely aware of other people's personal spaces and I would never do anything unprofessional or to make someone feel uncomfortable. You straight guys, not all of you, need to get it through your head that you can't catch it.

I know that sounds ridiculous but you would not believe how uncomfortable some straight men are around gay men in the fitting room. Dude, I have a dick, I know what it looks like, you don't have to get all "stop-staring-at-my-dick-bro". It ain't like that and if it is, take it as a compliment. There are the odd girl here and there that make passes at me and I smile graciously and thank them for the compliment and move on with my day.

I even had a woman grab my ass and say, "hurry back now with that dress cutie, I'm going to need you to help me zip up, and if you're lucky, get off." Cracked me the fuck up, it did. I wasn't going to go scream "rape" or anything, but I did make sure I had a co-worker come back with me to oversee everything was on the up and up.

So what should you do in a fitting room? What does common sense tell you to do in a fitting room. Go in with your clothes, try them on, and come back out with them. If you know you are going to go clothes shopping, do not wear deodorant that smears off.

Do not go shopping for bathing suits when on your period. Do not feel compelled to try public sex in a fitting room (if caught, you will be banned from the store and humiliated; you may even be photographed or taped and that could lead to it being uploaded online.)

Do not bring food or drinks in the fitting room (or in the store at all, it's disgusting and completely unsanitary. Just don't be a dirty bitch or trick in the fitting room, have respect for other people. If everybody uses the fitting room for what it is meant for, then everybody will have better experiences in them. Save for the woman squeezing her size 14 ass in an 8; they will never be happy.

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